Public domain

It's unimaginable, really. But I've had some of the strangest experiences being bald. And, unbelievably there's been no alcohol involved!

For example, I was having some computer issues at work and a techie guy came to the rescue. He walked into my cube and said, "What happened to your hair?" I have to admit that I liked his straight-forwardness. And he didn't seem too embarrassed when I let him know that my lack of hair was due to chemo.

A week later I was standing at the elevators at work. A guy from my floor came out. Now, I think this guy's name is Marty. Martin? In other words, I don't know him well. I just know that he's a guy on my floor. That being said, he reaches over and rubs my head. "So, how does it feel?" Now I know that this was a way for him to open up a conversation about what I'm going through. But here's the thing: Would he touch my hair?

An unfortunate bald head episode happened this weekend. I went to a 5-year-old's birthday party with my love and his friend. She's the daughter of a guy I've met a few times in the dim light of alcohol and a bar. Midway through the festivities, he walked up to me and said, "I don't believe we've met." And he extended out his hand. I pointed out that we had and that my name is Diane. "Oh, you got a haircut." And then his face turned slightly red. I know that he felt horrible. But I certainly didn't want him to feel that way.

As my love pointed out, I'm sort of forcing this into people's faces. I mean, he said it while we were being argumentative with one another and I believe that he said it more in anger for where I'm at but there holds some truth to it. Is this imposing?

I don't care if it is, actually. I'm not walking around bald for a reaction or for anyone to feel bad or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm walking around in my natural state. This is who I am. I am not ashamed. And no one else should be either.

If only I could click my heels three times...

I am feeling down. And all I really want is to feel normal again. I don't want to feel the oddball with no hair and I don't want to have to sit a few hours for treatment so they can drip some toxic mess into my body and I don't want to be so consious of my existence and I don't want to feel scared that maybe all this crap won't work and breast cancer will just recur in a few years and I don't want to have to go to bed at 8 every night because I have this insatiable fatigue and I don't want to have to figure out how to balance my life better or lose weight or eat right.

Can't I just click my heels three times and be back to me? Ah... but when Dorothy clicked her heels and went home what she discovered is that she had the power to do whatever she wanted all along. The strength was within her. The strength is within me. Deep down, though, I haven't been feeling it the last few days. I really feel angry and... who can I really talk to about it?

Thank God I have a date with my shrink on Saturday.

A bad word?

"Cancer" is a scary word, just one letter beyond a four-letter word, no less. But so much of this experience is mindset and perspective and taking back what is ultimately yours. Yeah, cancer is this invisible villain roaming inside of you (or not) but, I believe, that my mind is just as powerful. I mean, it's with my mind that I make choices.

My love asked me the other day if I was going to die. The question took me by surprise but it's a logical question. People do die from cancer. I mean, we all die but I will not die now from cancer. But my love's question, born out of fear, made me think. My first reaction to the question was that I'm doing everything I can to ensure that this goes well.

But I'm not. I'm not eating as well as I can, I'm not exercising consistently, I'm not meditating, I'm working long hours and I'm drinking Coke of all things! This journey, for me, is about finally making the choices to make this my life. But I've been a bit overwhelmed by the options and have felt pressed for time and energy.

Today is the first day of my new work schedule. I am now working two days from home, which will give me two days of real balance and hopefully begin to set the tone for a more balanced existence. I'm just going to live it today but I think next week I'm really going to begin to tackle the eating, exercise, Coke, long hours...

When I was diagnosed, I read a lot of books and decided that I needed to make big changes in order to ensure that I'm doing all I can to never go through this again. I have a few chemo sessions under my belt, my spirit is strong and determined and I'm finally ready to take these next steps.

Follicley challenged

I am free of follicles. And I have to say that I feel so much better. Pretty, in an odd baby-head way. And my folliculitis is clearing. I went to see Nurse Ratchet and, after identifying it as bacterial, suggested that I use antibacterial soap, which has really made a difference for me. Of course, if it was fungal, I'd be rubbing athlete's foot cream or vaginal yeast infection creme on my head rather than Neosporin. Phew! Spared from further humiliation.

Last night I ventured out into the big, big world with my Mr. Clean look because my love and I went to Sola's for dinner (amazing ambiance and food). I wore lots of eye make-up, big dramatic earrings chosen by my hip-cool sis and, if I have to say it myself, I felt urban-cool with my shaved head.

For the first time since losing my hair, I'm at work today with no head covering. This is the place that I knew would be most challenging for me -- and everyone around me. Perhaps I wanted to push buttons? But here's the thing: Why should I be coming here with my head covered like my bald bulb is inappropriate when there are men who come here every day with no hair on their noggins? I don't understand why I have to pretend or cover what's going on with me. I am not ashamed. In some ways, I am proud that after two chemo treatments I get my behind here every day and that I am still productive.

It is interesting to see how others have responded. Some have told me it's cute, some have told me I'm brave, some have done a double take, some said nothing like they've seen me already and others can't look at me or look me in the eye. They'll get used to it. Because I'm adding au natural to my personal house of style.